My Testimony

I decided to let the world in or at least myself in on some therapeutic memory processing.   Though today I stand up out of the bed every morning with a mouthful of thank you's to God for my life and my blessings.  I don't revert back very much on my young life because well it is extremely painful.  Its also not really the story you want to share with everyone you meet.   However, I feel like it is MY story and my testimony.

I mostly think of my young me when I see my older kids doing things that I never ever got the chance to do when i was their age.  The things I'm talking about are not partying or going out.  The memories that come flooding back are pursued because I'm laying in my room and in enters my daughter who is 19, she lays across my bed and just talks.  She talks about everything and anything, its our time together.  I never feel like saying I'm busy even if I am.  I want to listen I want to hear every word and story she has to tell.  I'm so in love with how much she confides in me and values my opinions.  Although she wont admit , its the obvious when she will spend  two hours laying across me talking.   

The sad part that brings me to the testimony, is she has what I longed for all my youth.   I was 15 when my mom left moved out of state and left me to basically figure it out.  My brother was sent to live with his father in Seattle.  So not only was I abandoned by the woman who is supposed to love me more than life, but I was ripped from the one soul on this earth who knew what i had been through my little brother.  I wasn't an angel my mom went from boyfriend to boyfriend after my step father left her.  Because of this trend in her dating I tended to let her know exactly how I felt about it and them.  I wasn't the nicest young lady.  I cussed at my mom , I hit back if she hit me.  I acted out because I needed her and she wasn't there for me. Talk about an angry girl!  I joined gangs, I drank every day, and longed for that family connection anyway I could get it.

At the time I never said , God please help me .  I never even thought about it.   When I think about the times I was hungry or without feminine supplies, clothes, and most importantly Love I know I could have learned things allot sooner about what Jesus can do in your life and heart.   However, all my life has been a very planned and detailed piece to the life God set for me when he made me.  It is MY life, and in all honesty I wouldn't change a thing.  I have learned so much about love and myself.  I am still such a work in progress but I embrace the lessons and the struggle.   I am so grateful to know Jesus now in my life as it has made my adult problems a heck of allot easier to swallow.   I have wholeheartedly forgiven my mom and myself !

My Gifted Child

I didn't know much about Christ until I was in my mid 30's.  I know that seems so late in life.  Believe me when I say I sure wish I had figured it out when I was young.  However, God's plan was to have me eat the many lemons I was given before I could drink the sweet refreshing lemonade.  Things I went through were many -  abuse, neglect, poverty, abandonment, drugs, gangs.   

It's true , I was given a rough hand.  No doubt there is someone out there with it even worse than I ever had. The crazy part is when I look back its obvious I was never alone.  After all that craziness, I landed on my feet or on my knees seeking God.  My 3rd baby , Nikkolas was born premature and was on oxygen and heart monitors.  He was sent from God just for me.  I remember at the time thinking please God, why are you doing this why are you putting my poor baby who has done no wrong through all these procedures??  It was hard to understand because I had no relationship with Christ.  I was not aware of how badly he was waiting for me to reach out to him.  I did and it actually took many more years, for me to fully submit myself to God.  Nikkolas  whose now 11 has Cerebral Palsy as a result from brain bleeds he suffered during trying to survive his early birth.  Hes a bright guy, but his fine motor and lower extremities have been a challenge and always will be.  He uses a walker , and a wheelchair at times.  The really great part of all of this is that he was made perfect in Gods eyes, he picked every situation for us.  Every child I have has been hand picked and created just the way they are by God for me.  I love that, it brings great peace to my heart.   We have endured so much around Nikkolas situation that I could probably gripe about to everyone.  However, I wont....I don't feel bad , for me or for Nikkolas!  His CP has let us view things from different eyes that we would have never saw through had we not been blessed with Nikkolas.  All my children are blessings, they truly are and none are perfect.  I just know that we as a family have a true sense of humility because we were placed to be part of Nikkolas journey here on earth.  I now realize that all my trials as a young woman were getting me ready for the person I am today.  Every situation tailored to fit me.  We have many more tough situations to come to but, now I seek Christ in everything I do and that is the total difference.

Rookie Blog

Well this will be my first blog therefore my rookiest blog you will ever read.  I'm starting this venture as a therapeutic outlet of sorts.  I have four wonderful , crazy , kiddos.  My oldest is a young lady and she  is turning 18 in July starting college in Aug.  Second blessing is my first son hes 16 and keeps all of us laughing and extremely annoyed at the same time.  Third baby is my Angel, hes got personality up the wazoo and is 10 he was born premature and later developed cerebral palsy.  He is cognitively thriving but uses a walker to be mobile, sometimes a wheelchair but only for long trips.   Final piece to the puzzle is the baby girl shes 9 months old and has turned our already chaotic and loving home into pure craziness!! Guess what we all LOVE every minute of it.  We are an extremely close family.  I also have a beautiful stepdaughter who is 18 too.  She visits when she can and we look forward to it. 
  I use cooking and food as the staple of our home.  I have to admit I don't cook the healthiest foods, but I'm learning to dabble, I said dabble in that .  We eat dinner at the table every night when my hubby gets home from work.  Oh did I mention I also work full time!  I loathe not being able to be a stay at home mommy but today requires two incomes for this bunch of crazies.
  My hope for this blog is to share my struggles as a mom , my recipes mmmm my recipes get ready  I have some delicious ones.  And last but not least my marital bliss and piss....  I hope it captures your attention and has you coming back for more.