My Testimony

I decided to let the world in or at least myself in on some therapeutic memory processing.   Though today I stand up out of the bed every morning with a mouthful of thank you's to God for my life and my blessings.  I don't revert back very much on my young life because well it is extremely painful.  Its also not really the story you want to share with everyone you meet.   However, I feel like it is MY story and my testimony.

I mostly think of my young me when I see my older kids doing things that I never ever got the chance to do when i was their age.  The things I'm talking about are not partying or going out.  The memories that come flooding back are pursued because I'm laying in my room and in enters my daughter who is 19, she lays across my bed and just talks.  She talks about everything and anything, its our time together.  I never feel like saying I'm busy even if I am.  I want to listen I want to hear every word and story she has to tell.  I'm so in love with how much she confides in me and values my opinions.  Although she wont admit , its the obvious when she will spend  two hours laying across me talking.   

The sad part that brings me to the testimony, is she has what I longed for all my youth.   I was 15 when my mom left moved out of state and left me to basically figure it out.  My brother was sent to live with his father in Seattle.  So not only was I abandoned by the woman who is supposed to love me more than life, but I was ripped from the one soul on this earth who knew what i had been through my little brother.  I wasn't an angel my mom went from boyfriend to boyfriend after my step father left her.  Because of this trend in her dating I tended to let her know exactly how I felt about it and them.  I wasn't the nicest young lady.  I cussed at my mom , I hit back if she hit me.  I acted out because I needed her and she wasn't there for me. Talk about an angry girl!  I joined gangs, I drank every day, and longed for that family connection anyway I could get it.

At the time I never said , God please help me .  I never even thought about it.   When I think about the times I was hungry or without feminine supplies, clothes, and most importantly Love I know I could have learned things allot sooner about what Jesus can do in your life and heart.   However, all my life has been a very planned and detailed piece to the life God set for me when he made me.  It is MY life, and in all honesty I wouldn't change a thing.  I have learned so much about love and myself.  I am still such a work in progress but I embrace the lessons and the struggle.   I am so grateful to know Jesus now in my life as it has made my adult problems a heck of allot easier to swallow.   I have wholeheartedly forgiven my mom and myself !